Fight the Tide

I haven’t engaged with my new blog, like I had with the old. It is still much easier to spew negativity than force myself to revel in the fact that I am blessed, feeling better, and happier than I have been in years. Somehow Forward was mostly a half-ass attempt at some sort of cathartic-bitching-session.

Since my first post, I have penned three others and never published them. They felt wrong, but I can’t really explain why. Maybe I just wasn’t willing to put the time into them that they deserved. It was forced and unnatural. Considering I don’t have deadlines, I would rather be real than come across disingenuous.

Much has happened. That might be part of the ‘problem.’ Not that it is a hindrance to my life. It is helping to reshape it, but typing out everything just hasn’t seemed important. The past two months have been weird. (I’m really not sure I know a more accurate term, so I will stick with that.) I gave up and I tried at the same time. Standing on the shoreline and punching the waves does nothing, so I finally just let them come and pull me out to sea. Now that I am in the water, I am trying to swim and make it somewhere. Going back to land, feeling recalcitrant towards myself, fighting my natural intuition and desires, and making up lies just isn’t worth it anymore.

In September I was still in school, working on a degree in biochemistry, and unhappy. I wanted to help others. For years I had built up in my mind that the only path for me to fulfill this necessity of my life was by entering the medical profession, so I was pursuing that route. But my heart was not in it. It didn’t bring me joy and I focused on the mantra that if I simply went through the actions long enough, I would grow to love it. Maybe that is true, but if it was it was exceedingly slow. My wife has always been amazingly supportive of my professional decisions, but has always believed that going back to land surveying is something that I should consider. I enjoyed it, for many reasons. But I built up this barrier in my head against it.

After my hospitalization, I found a new therapist that I could see twice a week. Not long after starting, she began to question my direction and impetus. It was shaky at best. After talking about this in length I realized she (and my wife) were probably right. It took some time of mentally shedding layers of beliefs to see what my life could be like if I drastically changed direction… and it was pleasant. Yes I had to let go of things, but they were primarily personal goals and struggles that I had put before myself, feeling that I had to prove myself against to be worthy in my eyes (and therefore everyone else’s eyes). I wasn’t kissed by and angel and woke up to find myself dancing in meadows full of flowers, but it did take some of the weight off my shoulders.

Saying things out loud gives me pause. It may be the only thing I am superstitious about. It comes from years of an old boss who would occasionally say “today is going to be easy,” and it henceforth turning out to be hell. Now I hate to say things like “I am doing so well,” because sure as shit that means two days from now I will be in the depths of depression again. No matter how much wood I knock on it just seems to be the case. But right now I am comfortable with saying that my mental state has improved. Tomorrow I start a new job, in land surveying again, and I hope that it reintroduces some joy back into my life.

I still want to help others, but after being encouraged to look into the vast number of opportunities there are out there to help someone (without having a medical degree), I decided that I will volunteer when I can.

Going back into the work force after nearly 7 years away is going to be interesting. During that time I have filled the rolls of stay-at-home-dad, done various self-employment projects, and been a student; but I am pleased to be going back.

If someone came along a couple of years ago and told me not to fight the tide, I would have found a euphemistic way of telling them to fuck off. I made my own decisions. I was in control. Sigh. I guess that is why experience is the best teacher.


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