Warranted Change

Change is good. Or so they say. Realistically, some changes can be great and other change can be downright disastrous. This time is was for the better. I am rebooting my blog with a new look and new purpose. I wrote for about a year about my struggles with depression and suicide. It was a cathartic release, but it was focused on the negative. Time for change. Optimism is not really my thing. Pessimism, sarcasm, and self deprecation are. Let’s flip this rock over and see what we find.

My last post was in September, right when my depression was ramping up and winning. Badly. A major depressive episode was setting in, with each day being lower than the previous. I didn’t want to get out of bed and was sleeping excessively. Basic tasks seemed insurmountable, and as time progressed my suicidal ideations set their horrific claws into my mind. I needed to be hospitalized, for my own safety. Death seemed like a reasonable option to avoid that humiliation. I am a father of three, a student at the local university, and constantly busy. How in god’s name was I supposed to spend time on myself and get help when life won’t slow down?

I couldn’t hold it back. Hospitalization was a must. Sigh. A week in there helped. Enough that I felt safe in my own company again. There are details to this story, but I will write out them in a future post. My medications were adjusted, but that can get you (actually me) only so far. The real turning point came with my decision to pursue the difficult decisions I have been avoiding for the better part of my life. Jumping into one-on-one therapy twice a week has definitely helped with my goals, thoughts, and objectives. Where am I headed? Towards that glimmer on the horizon. Some days feel like a run, while others seem to backtrack. But at some point the sun will be high in my sky (hopefully).

The future is, well, it is. I can’t go so far as to say it is bright, BUT I am not going to say it is dark and hopeless. I do see a glow on the horizon. Effort is the requirement. I hope you will join me on this journey toward improvement and that I can add something for you. Please talk with me, interject, and question. Let’s do this.

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2 thoughts on “Warranted Change

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  1. I don’t know if your hospital experience has been positive or negative, but I feel that they are mostly holding tanks. The hospital I was in was ok. Some places are better than others. But it is difficult to address major psych issues in a week or two of isolation. Most of my benefit this time just came from it forcing me to take a step back and change some things about my direction in life.
    And it is SERIOUSLY difficult to be positive at all when you are fighting your own brain. I feel you on that one.

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